To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door, at pet nose height
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please
note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish,
nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping
on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can
actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out
to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to
get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine,
meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge
and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years--canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me,
then go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following
message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About
Our Pets:
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: